You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
