Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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