HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
