Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
