I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
