So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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