If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
