I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
