so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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