I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
