I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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