my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
