i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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