Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
