I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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