Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
