I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
