its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
