Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
