If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
