It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
