Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
