i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
