and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
