You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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