Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
