woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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