its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So apparently I’m into choking now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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