proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
