Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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