They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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