You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
