my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
