you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
