I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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