i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
