get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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