my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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