Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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