I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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