More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
