My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the liver wants what the liver wants
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
