Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
