I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
