say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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