I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
