Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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