god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
