.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
