Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
