i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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