atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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